This article used too many names too closely together, making some parts difficult to follow. Each graph has a multitude of cluttered names; I had to re-read each sentence just to keep up with this soap opera of characters. The story tells of a retired New York officer who shot a cop he accused of having an affair with his wife. The suspect later shot and killed himself in his suburban driveway.
The fifth graph is only one sentence long but contains five names of four people. Two graphs below that is almost as bad, consisting of two sentences and four names. The author did everything possible to make this story unnecessarily confusing with a jumble of names. (note these are not names anyone has ever heard of or would be familiar with).
When refering to people in the story, the author would repeat the person's name each time he or she was referenced when he really only needed a simple "he" or "she" or "retired officer," "victim," "wife," etc.
In this lede graph of a separate article, five different entities are mentioned clearly and successfully without using a single name. This is the tragic and widely publicized murder case of Sandra Cantu. In the first graph, the author references the police of Tracy, Calif., the residents, the victim, the suspected killer, and the suspects daughter, all without cluttering or confusing the reader with names. The names of all relevant people in this story come later on, in a clear and concise format.
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I didn't find this article to be as confusing as it was made out to be. While the fifth graph is one sentence, I found it to be easy to understand nevertheless. One thing I did hate about it, however, was the ridiculous ads placed in the MIDDLE of the article. I don't even know what they are advertising. I believe I speak for most readers in that when a Web site has the nerve to place articles in such a position, I will not devote any of my time to even noticing their content. Regardless, I did not find this story hard to understand. I read much worse in the Gwinnett Daily Post on a daily basis.
ReplyDeleteJustin- I agree with you that maybe it wasn't quite as confusing as I made it seem. I re-wrote the first few lines because as you pointed out I was overly critical of the article. But I still stand by my statement that the article had too many names. Especially the fifth graph. The author couldve saved text space for more information and increased clarity by adding pronouns in place of some of the many last names cluttering the piece.
ReplyDeletealso- I couldnt agree more about the ridiculous ads splattered everywhere!
ReplyDeleteAdvertising is an important player in generating revenues and keeping newspapers and publications alive, but there is definitely a line that can be crossed.