After surveying that stunning piece of journalism from the Oconee Leader today in lab, I decided to edit another story from the online edition of the paper. ‘Road retirees had century of experience’ did not disappoint, providing ample material on which to practice my editing skills.
The headline immediately concerned me. It does not clearly convey the type of workers that have retired. Perhaps there is legitimate reason to keep the headline short, but I think a one-word addition would be a great improvement: ‘Road department retirees had century of experience.’
Vague references to the time of the event occur twice in the first two graphs. The ceremony happened on “Monday” of “this week.” Professor Fink taught me to be specific when mentioning dates in a story because newspapers serve as local record archives. This article ran on Jan. 28, and it is already confusing to the reader just over a week later.
Passive voice appears in the second graph. The men “were recognized.” The sentence does not clarify who recognized them.
I think the phrase, “by his reckoning,” is too colloquial for journalistic use. I understand that it fits with the tone of the article, but that justification only holds if the word appears in a quote.
Southern publications are especially prone to colloquialism. The word, “figured,” is another pet peeve of mine, as seen in a different Oconee Enterprise article. I am not positive if this use is actually incorrect, but I personally cannot abide it.
In the seventh graph, the author places an unnecessary comma in the following sentence: “Watson operated heavy equipment, right up to the end, a remarkable feat for a 78-year-old, one-legged man.” A speaker may wish to pause after “equipment” for dramatic effect, but there is no grammatical necessity for the first comma.
The mention of one-legged Watson interested me, but the writer kept me in suspense about the nature of Watson’s injury for another five graphs. I recommend placing that explanation before the introduction of Watson’s replacement for better continuity.
Near the end of the article, the author refers to Watson’s “avocation.” The author uses the word correctly, but considering that newspapers are typically written at a sixth grade reading level, it would be clearer to use a synonym, such as ‘hobby.’
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Note: I know this looks long, but I did try to stay under 400 words. My word count tells me I managed to hold it to 380, so hopefully that is correct.
ReplyDeleteI keep posting on my own story, but I do apologize for attributing the Bob & Bruno article to the Oconee Enterprise instead of the Oconee Leader. I think there was some confusion in lab as to which newspaper the article belonged. Oops!
ReplyDeleteMs. Farrar,
ReplyDeleteGreat work. This is a very well-written, analytic blog post. I only leave you with one question: what's the other (grammatical) problem with the headline? BTW, by clicking the pencil, you can revise the needed correction you mention above (i.e. Enterprise vs. Leader).
I enjoyed another round with the Oconee Leader. I think the reporter in this story is extremely inconsistent in regard to tone. There is an incontinuity in using such a common, dressed-down phrase as "by his reckoning" in the same story that identifies a person's hobby as their "avocation." I think the author needs to pick a voice and stick with it, preferably excluding such outwardly colloquial phrases. I look forward to more from the Oconee Leader in the future.
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